Coping With the Kardashians

AS A TWEEN LIVING IN WHITE SUBURBIA, I spent most of my young existence inhaling all of Taylor Swift’s lyrics like I was snorting smarties, Miley Cyrus’s media scandals while also stalking the “Jelena” (Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez) romance. I was and still partially am the definition of “uncultured filth”. “Uncultured filth” according to the google search I just did is a person who would be featured on a Jimmy Kimmel sketch to depict just how many Americans don’t know who our vice president is (unfortunately, Mike Pence).

Needless to say, I know the current VP, but wouldn’t be able to tell you every Vice President the United States has ever had (who the hell can?). I essentially grew up on the Disney Channel and E! News circuits and if I was ever given the opportunity, I would have jumped in front of a moving vehicle to become the girl holding the Disney wand, making Mickey Mouse ears out of computerized magic dust.

After a few years of living in the supposed mecca of opportunity known as New York City, I have grown to be ashamed of my pop culture consumption. It just doesn’t read off as intellectual or substantial to talk about how Hannah Montana and High School Musical might have had the greatest developmental influence on me. Hello, Barack and Michelle Obama, you both influenced me too. Like I should be name dropping philosophers and their theories of thought rather than obsessively checking my Instagram to see if Beyonce has dropped another surprise album or a surprise clothing line. But also, we all know that ass wipe of a guy whose name dropped Socrates Freshman year of college as if he was Socrates himself. By the way, when she dropped her self-titled visual album in 2013, It was as if I had reverted to being a small child on Christmas morning. Santa Claus does exist! Look what Beyonce did! She created a cultural moment without any promotion. That’s what I call a badass bitch, no explanation needed, but here she is just making millions.

Though, throughout the last decade, there is only one American family that I find myself consumed regularly and this is the Kardashian family. They have also satirically been pegged as the “royal family of America,” but as long as our culture is talking about them, hating them, and influenced by them; the entire family is laughing to the bank-owning more Birkin bags collectively then I will ever be able to afford to make a downpayment on a house.

As strange as it sounds, the Kardashians gave me a sense of family I longed to have, though it is a fabricated and staged reality show. I am comfortable with my love/hate relationship with them as if they were my siblings. Their reality television show serves to be an almost hour-long commercial for the brands they are either pushing upon the public to buy or creating. Since we spend every weekend together, Sundays at 10 pm, we practically are family. They just don’t know it yet- who else would I be spending my Sunday night with?

I would for sure go to Khloe the most for relationship advice, Kendall seems like she knows how to roll a tight joint and Kylie could plump the shit out of my lips. Kourtney is my favorite of all of the siblings because she seems not to care the most and her monotone voice is mocked throughout the internet to even SNL and Rob is the brother that is always MIA. I know more about the Kardashians then I’d care to know about mathematics. Ask me to do trigonometry and I would have a mental breakdown in my vomit, requiring me to have a check-in with a healthcare professional, but ask me about the Kardashians and I could tell you their family history in my sleep with one eye open. I was always a good history student. A mention of the Tristian/Jordan Woods Scandal could have me spiral into a think tank about how women are held accountable for men’s actions.

The Kardashians are not only synonymous with lowbrow television, but they’re also broadcasted as the epitome of the upper crust, making the system of capitalism work for them. They were a wealthy and already somewhat famous family that through proper branding and hard work became even richer household names. If only everyone could start out with a few million in the bank to get a career head start. What a place the world would be. They are arguably the symbol of the distortion of the American dream. The public consumes them and their catalog of overpriced products while they grotesquely consume a decadent lifestyle that is unattainable. They offer the masses escapism into the world of fame and fortune while still purposefully toning in on their personal challenges and of course, honing in on their family values as the anchor to their collective success. I undeniably utilize them and their platforms as my favorite form of escapism, since their problems entertain me. They entertain my depression.

Not to mention, the family has had a slew of extremely problematic business deals and campaigns. Pepsi anyone? Their constant issues with appropriating black culture whether it be cornrows, or fashion style and makeup. They are a literal lens of what the dominant culture does to black people in this country. Though, they are seemingly attempting to downscale the appropriation criticism and have become smarter due to all of the backlash they have received from a number of these business missteps. I mean, I never would have believed that Skechers Shape-Ups would have been responsible for toning my ass and weight loss. The shoe is uglier than a bunion. Or the fact that Kris Jenner, at one point, became the spokesperson for adult diapers? The woman cashed in by promoting diapers as glamorous to the public. What does that say about the American public?

I still don’t know whether or not I consider myself a part of their fandom, standing in line for hours to catch just a glimpse of one of them does not sound enticing to me. Like what if I have to go to the bathroom? Where do I go? And no, I don’t care to purchase one of Kylie Jenner’s lip kits, they’re just overpriced. I would rather define myself as having an appreciation of them while simultaneously obtaining a healthy amount of skepticism. Due to my obsession, I have acquired a list of useless skills which will not in any shape or form help me in any capacity with my job resume in the future: I can distinctly identify each family member by the tonality of their voice, I am current with the family lingo with words they use on the regular such as “bible”, and I know each family member’s personal taste in style (including their offspring), I also know the chronological history of family scandals which began with the infamous sex tape of Kim K. and rapper Ray J. I can decipher each family member’s dating history, know all of their product endorsements, and am up to date on their daily social media posts. I also know how a lot of the family members try to maintain a no-comment policy on the OJ trial out of respect for OJ’s kids. Though to go through the dating history of each and every member, I might need to write a dissertation and not a short essay.

To say I have the utmost respect for the Kardashians is a very far fetched notion, but it would be fair to say that I do rely on them for emotional refuge. Kris Jenner has a hustle that inspires me, and to me is a bearer of a type of “Girl Boss” Feminism, making the patriarchy work for them from utilizing the limits it molds onto the female body. Kim literally molded her body in clay to sell her perfume. Kim will get hate for posting a naked selfie for it to only transfer to people buying more of her products. They are constantly questioned for their success, but no one would villainize them to the same extreme if they were successful men. They would just be considered men.